The Most Cursed Christmas Special I’ve Ever Seen!
Merry Christmas to one and all! I hope your holiday season is filled with happiness and cheer. What does Christmas represent for you? For me, it’s about coming together and celebrating what we’re grateful for with the people we love. A time where people can set aside their differences and be united by our common basic decency. So what better way to celebrate this very special holiday than with the animated abomination of a Christmas special simply titled The Christmas Tree (1991)?
In the small town of…somewhere…seven orphans living in an orphanage are living under the ruthless control of Mrs. Matilda—I mean—Mavilda (the “v” is for villain!). She would force them to do her dirty work and sleep in crappy beds, all while she would live like a king (or, in her case, a queen). And every year, she would take the orphanage’s donations and gamble them away. But one day, a family (Judy, her husband Ray, and their kids, Lily and Pappy) arrives. The mayor gives Ray a job at the lumber mill, and Judy becomes Mrs. Mavilda’s assistant at the orphanage. Judy quickly becomes popular with the children, and the children introduce her to their imaginary friend: a pine tree named Mrs. Hopewell.
Last Christmas, I said that this movie was the ugliest animated Christmas film I’ve come across. I’d like to retract that statement. I’m no stranger to absolutely hideous and atrocious animation. I mean, half of my Bad Film Friday entry is filled with them. So when I say that this is the ugliest animated movie I’ve seen, I really mean it. If you told me this movie was some failed bootlegged North Korean propaganda piece, I would wholeheartedly believe you. The line art is far too thick, and the animation reminds me of something you’d see on GoAnimate! And I mean that in the worst way possible. The walking animation alone reminds me of two twigs floating on air! But if you think that’s bad alone, then honey, you’ve got a big storm coming. This movie has one or two facial expressions for each character at most. And to spice it up, every character will blink several times ad nauseum, giving them this really unsettling and uncanny appearance. Just take a look at the children! Is this supposed to be a heartwarming Christmas movie or a horror movie?
Now let’s talk about the characters. They’re the epitome of paper thin (probably literally in this case). Judy is a Great Value version of Belle from Beauty and the Beast (The Enchanted Christmas version, not the original). She takes care of the household chores while trying to brighten the children’s lives with stories of Christmas. In fact, they are so moved by her stories that when Mrs. Mavilda is about to cut down Mrs. Hopewell, they send Pappy (seriously, why would you name your son Pappy?!) and Lily to the North Pole to find Santa so that he will grant them their Christmas wish of saving Mrs. Hopewell. Naturally, they get lost, and Lily falls off a cliff after the two have a run-in with a grizzly bear.
But this is where the plot gets EVEN MORE nuts! When Mrs. Mavilda calls her associate to cut down the tree (yeah, I’m not calling it “Mrs. Hopewell” anymore) with a chainsaw, Judy and the kids surround the tree to deter him from cutting it down. Then Pappy returns and tells his mom Lily fell off a cliff. And she has no reaction! I think we have a serious contender for worst parent in the world, folks! But are you ready for the grand finale, kids? As Mrs. Mavilda is about to cut down the tree herself, she is suddenly struck by lightning! By whom? Why, none other than jolly Saint Nick, of course! That’s right, folks. Santa Claus can strike people with lightning. He’s like Emperor Palpatine. He shows up on his sleigh with Lily and presents in tow for all the kids.
Just when you think it’s all over, the narrator throws one last kicker at you. Ray (who literally reappeared during the climax and does nothing else) and Judy decide to adopt all the kids at the orphanage, and Mrs. Mavilda now works for Judy. But if you thought she’s back to her old, scheming ways, don’t worry: she’s good now. And when you’re good, you always win! That’s literally the movie’s closing line. Because why give us a proper conclusion when you haven’t given us a proper Christmas movie? Even though this movie is one of the shorter films I’ve seen, only clocking in at 42 minutes, I was already checking the time at the ten-minute mark! So little happens, you don’t even need a 40-minute-long feature! It could’ve been a 5-minute film and gotten the point across just fine.
Oh, I almost forgot about the mayor who gives the orphanage literal bags of cash rather than writing a check that could prevent fraud or misuse. The reason he wasn’t more careful is either: 1. It’s literally needed to have a plot. 2. This is a time when checks didn’t exist. Or 3, the money was either gained through illegal lumber trade or was directly involved in mob activity. It’s funny that the mayor is also in charge of handling every new arrival in town and giving them jobs on the spot (that policy probably won’t last long in New York). Either this small-town mayor has more power than the mayor of New York City, or my mob theory has more legroom to stand on. Then again, it’s not like Ray was given a job at the lumber mill—wait. Dear God, this town is part of the criminal lumber trade, isn’t it? Either I’m onto something…or I am really losing it just thinking about it.
I truly feel sorry for any kids who came across this one day while scrolling through the channels. For every Elf or A Christmas Story, there are at least a dozen other soulless, shameless cash-grabs. Why is it that there are so many shameless Christmas movies out there? Just when I thought I had found the worst these movies had to offer, they just kept surprising me with how bad they could get! But, I digress. With movies like these, I think we’ve gone beyond Film Purgatory and have straight up entered Film Hell.
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