Is “Manos: The Hands of Fate” the Worst Horror Movie Ever?
You know, I should stop challenging myself to find the worst movies I can. Because I’ll only create more emotional damage for myself. “Manos” in Spanish just means “hands.” So the real title of the film is just “Hands: The Hands of Fate.” Talk about unnecessary redundancy! Directed, written, produced, and starring Harold P. Warren, Manos: The Hands of Fate was actually a bet Warren took. He claimed that it wasn’t hard to make a horror movie. Now, I could go on endlessly about how wrong he is, but I’ll just let the review speak for itself. Because as we’re about to clearly see, reality is often disappointing.
A family of three: Michael (played by Harold P. Warren), Margaret (played by Diane Mahree), their daughter Debbie, and her pet dog Peppy are on a road trip to a place called Valley Lodge. However, they get lost on their way and stop at a house to ask for directions. The housekeeper, Torgo (played by John Reynolds), tells them that the “Master” would not be pleased with them being there, saying that he doesn’t approve of children nor pets. Michael, using his genius deduction skills, decides to stay at the house for the night and promises to leave first thing in the morning. That night, the Master (played by Tom Neyman) awakens, and the terror begins!
I haven’t seen such a complete travesty to the art of filmmaking since this abomination. To say that everything that can go wrong has gone wrong is putting it gently. I think I’ve seen second-grade film projects with more skill and craft than this entire feature-length film! To start things off, let me say that these characters are the biggest group of idiots I’ve ever seen. They have ZERO survival instincts! Michael pulls up to the “Master’s” house, and instead of quickly asking Torgo for directions to Valley Lodge, he gets out of the car (and lets out his entire family), walks up, and very aggressively demands which way they should go. Torgo obviously looks very disturbed and fidgety, but Michael demands that they stay at the house for the night. Because who wouldn’t want to stay at a house with a creepy host, scary interior décor that would scare even Edgar Allen Poe, and an absolutely grotesque painting of the “Master” and his dog?!
But if you thought Mike had the intelligence of a troglodyte, Margaret isn’t much better. Yes, she had SOME basic survival instincts before they stayed at the house, but that’s where it begins and ends. Shortly after entering the house, Torgo tries making a move on her, touching her hair and saying how he wants her for himself and how the Master can’t have her as his wife. What does she do? Does she run, hide, or fight? Nope! She calls out helplessly for Mike. I guess she went to the Resident Evil 4 Ashley Graham School for Survival because she’s mastered the art of calling for a man’s help! Oh, but it gets worse. Much worse. During the film’s climax, Mike, Margaret, and Debbie run from the Master and his wives. While they’re stumbling around in the dark, Margaret suddenly has the bright idea to go BACK to the house to hide from their pursuers. And for some reason, Mike AGREES with her! I guess they really are made for each other; they’re both as dense as a block of uranium!
I haven’t even gotten to the production side, and I’m not excited to do so. The editing itself is jarring to witness. Rather than changing the angle of every other shot, the movie has these sudden jump cuts that happen multiple times throughout a single scene. It not only gets annoying very soon, but it also shows just how little Warren understood about filmmaking. Ok, sure, maybe he doesn’t understand proper editing, but at least he understands focus, right? Right?! Wrong. There are so many unfocused shots in the movie that I was tempted to make a drinking game: take a shot every time a scene is out of focus. You will die by the end of the first act. And that’s if you drink beer! How can you mess up this badly? Did the crew just do one take for each scene, think it was perfect as is, and leave? There are very notable and technically savvy filmmakers who can get away with only needing one take (such as Bong Joon-ho). It’s a pity that Harold P. Warren isn’t one of them.
All this, and I haven’t even mentioned the sound mixing. It’s about as abysmal as you’d expect. Audio will sound clipped or distorted in many scenes. If you’ve seen Birdemic: Shock and Terror (and I pray for your sanity if you have), then you have an idea of what to expect. Manos’ opening scene has some of the muddiest-sounding dialogue I’ve heard. And to make things even worse, we have music overlaid on top of the dialogue, which drowns out what the characters are trying to say. I guess it doesn’t matter, as the script doesn’t do the movie any more favors. But if you thought that was the end of the audio issues, then you’d be dead wrong. Lines of dialogue will loop over and over again. For example, Torgo says the same line twice in a row. Now you could argue that he’s just jumpy, but then why does Mike do the same thing a mere five minutes later?! Is he also jumpy? Or did Frank Miller ghostwrite the script?
I think this movie has the most…unique choice for background music. Think of the movies with some of the tensest soundtracks: Insidious, The Conjuring, Paranormal Activity, hell, even Jaws. Remember how eerie and palpitating the soundtracks were? Great! Now imagine the exact opposite of that, and that’s what you have with Manos. The movie incorporates soft bassoon and jazz music as its horror theme. I’m sorry, is this a horror movie or a jazz club? I feel like I should be wearing a cobalt suit with a martini in my hand instead of being terrified out of my mind! But if there is one saving grace for the music alone, it’s the movie’s ending song, “Forgetting You.” It’s actually a beautiful and aptly named song that not only feels like a proper conclusion for the Manos but is also fitting for the entire movie, since I will be forgetting it.
Despite doing…literally everything wrong, Manos: The Hands of Fate actually garnered a cult following. And in 2010, a spin-off movie titled Manos: The Search for Valley Lodge was in the works with Rupert Talbot Munch to direct. Several characters from the first film would also return, including “The Master” and Debbie. However, after disagreements with the cast and director, the film was ultimately never made. However, this is where the fun begins, because just three years later, a prequel was made, called Manos: The Rise of Torgo, which was released in 2018 on Amazon Prime. And then in 2020, a sequel called Manos Returns was made. The movie was supposed to be a tongue-in-cheek film that would poke fun at the original. Because I totally haven’t seen THAT before! But after all the spinoff movies, there was even a Manos VIDEO GAME! Why? Why would we need a Manos video game?! At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if there were a Manos underwear line!
In the sea of cinema, I don’t think I’ve ever come across a movie this bad since…ever. Even after Birdemic, Uwe Boll, and Neil Breen, Manos: The Hands of Fate remains one of the absolute WORST movies I’ve ever seen. Filled to the brim with every amateur mistake you can expect, let this movie be a reminder that the art of filmmaking should never be taken lightly. It doesn’t matter which film genre you’re making; making a movie is a difficult task. Too often has horror been mistreated by film critics and general audiences alike. Horror is not just cheap jump scares accompanied by unsettling music. It’s a form of subtle social commentary on the state of things in the form of entertainment. The best horror movies convey exactly how deep they can be while still putting on an amazing show. And Manos: The Hands of Fate is a complete and total disgrace to the horror genre.
