Switch (2013)—This Movie Broke Me
Well folks, it finally happened. A movie actually broke me. It wasn’t easy, I’ll tell you that. I’m no stranger to bad movies, hell I was an officer in my university’s Bad Movie Club. I’ve taken on the likes of Uwe Boll, Tommy Wiseau and even Neil Breen. And let me tell you that NONE of those filmmakers put me through the absolute hell that Jay Sun did with Switch! Some movies are better left undiscovered.
The famous scroll, “The Dwelling of the Fushun Mountains” goes missing before its premier at a major art museum exhibition in Taipei, Taiwan. Agent Xiao Jinhan (played by Andy Lau) is tasked with tracking down its whereabouts. Unbeknownst to him, his wife Lin Yuyan (played by Jingchu Zhang) is also assigned to the case. Despite their strained relationship, the two manage to zero down the culprits to The Empress, a notorious crime lord and Yamamoto (played by Tong Dawei), a Japanese art thief. However the further the two get involved in the case, the more complicated (and dangerous) their personal lives become.
I first heard of this movie when I was fifteen and hanging out with my two favorite cousins in Shenyang. I desperately wanted to see Switch because the poster featured two smoking hot women. While one of my cousins was buying the tickets, my other cousin was looking up ratings. What he pulled up shocked me. Switch had the lowest score on IMDB I’ve ever seen: a paltry 1.2 out of 10 stars!! For comparison, Dragon Ball: Evolution (a major travesty of an anime adaptation) had 3.1 stars. Over TWICE the score of Switch! Needless to say we didn’t watch the film (we saw something way better). But I always did wonder what would’ve happened if we did. Well, it’s safe to say that I’m glad we didn’t.
Switch has the most inconsistent tone in any movie I’ve EVER seen (more so than this piece of crap)! The film was advertised as an action spy thriller akin to Mission Impossible or James Bond. But forty minutes in, it changes into a self-reflective drama before morphing into a family drama. It only returns to its action roots in the last 20 minutes. Did Jay Sun try to squeeze an entire buffet into one serving? Hell, I got so much whiplash that my head almost snapped off. Pick a tone and stick to it, Jay Sun. If you juggle everything all at once, you’ll completely lose the audience. Come to think of it, I think I know why the movie is called Switch. It switches tone every five seconds!
With that said, let’s talk about our hero. Xiao Jinhan is a notorious womanizer who has a knack for showing off in his flashy suits and luxury cars. This movie is trying to make him the next Bond, but it has none of the smart dialogue nor any of the cool gadgets Bond is so famous for. Instead, we get a grab bag of cheesy B-movie sequences involving Jinhan flirting with different women. Did I also mention that he flirts with them in front of his wife? And that their marriage is practically in shambles? Wow, I wonder why? To make matters worse, half of his attempts at flirting come across as creepy pick up artistry. Who wrote this? Anakin Skywalker from Attack of the Clones?
While we’re on the topic of James Bond, let’s compare Switch to a 007 movie that came out a year ago: Skyfall. Both films are similar. Our hero survives a near death experience and uncover personal revelations regarding their closest person. What differentiates Skyfall from Switch? We see Bond at his lowest. For the majority of the film, he isn’t the badass superspy we are so used to seeing. He displays vulnerability that we hardly ever see in action heroes, making us like and care for him so much. Meanwhile, Switch tries to cram all of the Craig-era 007 films into one. Xiao Jinhan starts as a badass superspy and undergoes many of the same struggles that Bond does. But since the story is rushed and he’s such a one dimensional character, we never get to sympathize with him.
And then there’s Yamamoto. This Cobra Kai Terry Silver-looking, Joker wannabe is both absolutely insufferable and not in the least bit threatening. His attempts to be taken seriously come off as parodies of either Heath Ledger’s Joker or Homelander from The Boys. Why the latter? Let’s just say he has some weird obsession with his mom. He can’t even have sex without feeling like he disappointed her. Is it too late to inflict some self-imposed amnesia? And if that’s not bad enough, Yamamoto is by far the stupidest villains I’ve ever seen. When he has Xiao Jinhan at his mercy he decides not to kill him, but rather inflict as much pain as possible. How? By dragging him out to the desert and stabbing him in the heart. I’m sorry but last time I checked, that kills someone! And not surprisingly, he also never checked if Jinhan escaped. Truly, villain of the year folks!
We’re already this far in and I still haven’t talked about the editing. Switch has by far the worst editing I’ve seen since Tommy Wiseau’s The Room or anything made by Neil Breen. Scenes will be followed up with completely unrelated scenes. Just imagine if you were watching Schindler’s List and it suddenly cuts to My Little Pony! Is this also a bad time to mention that the CGI is almost as ropey and rubbery as Ultraviolet? Any action scene that utilizes it looks extra horrible and breaks any tension. Oh but if you thought the CGI was the worst of it, you’d be dead wrong. In fact, the editing somehow gets WORSE during the fight scenes. Everything is completely shot in close ups with so many cutaways that you feel ready to vomit.
My only praise for this movie is its set design. Yamamoto’s villainous hideout looks cool with its jagged furniture and eerie, neon blue lights. And since I’m a sucker for neon lighting, I’ll give the movie some credit. However, neon lights are like condiments: they are used to add a bit of zest to the dish, not completely replace it. And Jay Sun uses way too much neon lighting even for my own taste. And Yamamoto’s lair (and face) looks completely blue in some shots. What else did I like? Hmm…I liked the ending. And by that I mean when the movie ended and I’d never have to watch it again.
Despite being a two hour long film, Switch felt like it lasted two decades. I actually couldn’t even finish the movie on my first watch and had to continue another day. That’s how torturous this whole experience has been. I’m surprised this is supposed to be a serious spy action flick, because it’s anything but that. It borrows elements from both James Bond and Mission Impossible and yet fails to understanding what made any of those franchises so successful. If I were to make a top 10 list of the worst movies I’ve seen, Switch would EASILY be among the top 5. Should you check it out, please take out a life insurance policy. You’ll thank me later.
