House of the Dead (2003)—Uwe Boll’s Biggest “Boll Buster”

We’re tackling Uwe Boll again, aren’t we? Sigh. He’s one of the least talented filmmakers I’ve come across, and seems to really love making shitty video game adaptation after adaptation. Even though every movie he makes flops, he still makes money through exploiting a German tax loophole. Although this loophole was closed in 2006, it doesn’t change the fact that this movie still exists. If you thought his BloodRayne and Alone in the Dark adaptations were bad enough, then you clearly haven’t seen his House of the Dead adaptation.

Our film begins with five college students: Alicia, Greg, Simon, Karma and Greg’s girlfriend Cynthia heading to an island for a rave. But little do they know that the island is called “Isle Del Morté” a.k.a. the island of death. The five miss the ferry, but manage to hitch a ride from a fisherman named Captain Kirk. While transporting them, Kirk is tailed by a Marine Patrol Officer named Casper who follows them all the way to the island. When they arrive, they discover all the ravers are missing and that zombies are running amuck. The gang are joined by Alicia’s ex-boyfriend, Rudy who says that everyone was killed by the zombies. Captain Kirk reveals that he’s a weapons smuggler and he, Casper along with the group must hold their own for the night.

So, the age-old question: where to start? I’ll tell you. The very beginning. Specifically with our character introductions. We’re introduced to our group of five via Rudy’s opening narration. And the way he describes them makes them feel more akin to set dressing than characters, even going as far as spoiling their fates! Hell, you could call them five schmucks and the final survivor and it’d be more than enough characterization. Every character in House of the Dead is little more than a cardboard cutout of a caricature, with equally boring and one-dimensional personalities. Greg’s the dumbass, Simon’s the rich dumbass (plus he refers to himself in the third person), Karma’s the stereotypical early 2000s black girl, Cynthia’s the whore and Alicia is the only one with a semi-working brain. Rudy himself isn’t much better, as he solely exists to be Alicia’s love interest. The only interesting character is Captain Kirk and not because he shares a name with the titular character from Star Trek. But because he’s so out of place and unnecessarily grumpy it makes him all the more entertaining to watch.  

But who needs characterization? Not when we have a full EIGHT MINUTES where the movie is nothing but an action montage. Eight minutes of  all six schmucks along with Kirk and Casper shooting their way through waves of zombies while annoying hip-hop/trap remix plays over the carnage. Why does this exist? Why do we need to spend this much time watching the characters kill zombies? To show how endless the horde is? There’s a better way to do that. The Battle of Helm’s Deep in The Two Towers had an army of 10,000 Uruk-Hai, yet we don’t spend that much time watching Aragorn and his friends hacking them down. We get glimpses of the battle to show how dire the situation is before cutting to something else to keep our interest in the battle. 

Oh but if you thought that scene was an egregious excuse to drag out the run time, it gets worse. Boll decides to drag out the movie even more with unnecessary slow motion shots of the action. And to make matters even worse, whenever the characters die, there’s a revolving shot of them that fades to red. Why is this needed? We already know they’re dead! I can assume it was a feature from the game. But why did he choose to bring that to the screen instead of, oh I don’t know…actual character development? Speaking of which, pieces of gameplay footage are randomly spliced into the movie. Don’t ask me why this exists either. It’s actually a fun drinking game. Take a shot every time a random piece of gameplay footage shows up. But do it with beer, not hard liquor. Or better yet: water.

I think the most interesting element of the film is how it relates to the game. According to Boll, the film is meant to be a prequel to the games. We learn Rudy’s last name is “Curien”, the same last name as the first game’s antagonist. Theoretically, the idea of a horror movie prequel that follows the main antagonist of the original film is a really good idea. Remember Ti West’s Pearl, anyone? However, we have to remember who’s directing this movie. And when we do, we realize this idea was never going to be well-executed. Rudy’s last name reveal is so superficial that it has no impact on the film’s story. The only way you’d know this movie was designed to be a prequel is if you either watch the movie a dozen times or if Uwe Boll told you himself.  

Now, I want to mention the production design. It’s actually not the worst I’ve seen, even for a Boll production. The design and makeup for the main villain, Castillo, actually looks unique and terrifying. However, the cinematography, lighting and even the special effects makes the film look like a made-for-TV special from the 1990s. The only thing missing was the constant fade to black bits that indicate a commercial break. While the rest of the zombie makeup isn’t bad, it certainly looks cheap. The fake blood also looks like a concoction of red Kool-Aid, strawberry Mountain Dew Kickstart and chocolate syrup. Bodies will either bleed too much like they were characters from JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure or barely bleed at all, despite suffering major injuries.  

If you love nonexistent characterization, cheap-looking special effects and annoying and crappy hip-hop music overlaid on top of needlessly-long action sequences, then you might like House of the Dead. Might. But for those with a working brain and critical thinking skills (or thinking skills in general), House of the Dead will bring you no pleasure. Unless, of course, if you’re six beers and three tequila shots in. It’s no doubt that this movie just screams “Uwe Boll!” from start to finish. Is that a good thing? Well, I’ll let you be the judge of that.